Ja, epic change

Well Detroit was a few weeks ago, maybe more like 1 or two. Anyways, I learned much, and over time it finally really hit me. Growing up has died, Vincent and Desh are no longer in my life. Maybe not THE two biggest people in my life, but I do believe they have made more differances in a year than anyone ever has...yet then agian I knew them both for a very long time, but 2007 and 2008 was rather crazy.

Like for real, a lot happened, and I don't think it's mentally apt to handle. Maybe not by the second, but oh so by the hour I believe I'm scarred. They were all like "family" too me, family I don't have. Ever since Kimmie messed my life up, thus losing my twin, it's been a mind crush. I wasn't Jon the Ninja until the end of InsaneShiyn, and damn! I had a twin brother since the hour I was born, and 18 years later this. I haven't talked to my twin brother who I live in the same house as since January of 2007. This is no lie, no exaggeration. We have not spoken once. My friends ask me, how is that even possible...don't ask, I really don't know. He blames me for all this shit I didn't do, that he down to earth believes. When he can believe no longer, he finds a new reason. My younger brother whos 15, and my dad tells me what he thinks because there all in the middle. He and his dramatic ways from watching too much anime refers to me as "scum", a "disease" to the family. All those cool words that make him sound wise actually work on people. Friends of mine have "tried" to be a fixer. I'm sorry but you fail. You can never succeed without listening and trusting. I don't care anymore, I really don't. He began a year ago telling people that he doesn't have "an older twin brother" who because of, he watches what he watches, knows what he knows, wears what he wears, knows who he knows and everything. His life is perfect because of me, and there is no denying it. All I care about are my siblings and mom who have to deal with this shit. They blame me for never being home, for being a bum, a punk, all that, and that my :excuse: is my twin. It's indeed me reason. I mean, who wants to waste there time in misery at home with people who don't fucking LISTEN, or if they do, PROCESS that I don't sleep. That every other dream I have is depression over this, or happyness with my bro..waking up to realize it ain't real. My sister, shes on 6, will grow up in anxiety of having her two oldest(twin) brothers not talking, brining her alot of hate, confusion, and being forced to choose who to trust. I won't push her, i want my twin to have them. I'm alone as it is. not too long ago I came home and she asked why we don't talk...I told her I don't know, why don
t you ask him. When she did, he ignored her and changed the subject. Not just her, but Alex, my 11 year old brother is in the same boat, but has friends. Friends are useful, they set you free to joy, they talk, so your mind is off elsewhere, out of hell. As for Victor, who's 15 growing into a teen, needs us, but can't. I hate this. My family is so fucked up, i'm sorry, but who collects junk. What kind of dad doesn't listen, and only blames....and doesn't believe in fun. We're young, we need it. its the point inst it, to enjoy life. Only kids can be carefree without the real worries, let them be. My mom, shes awesome, been through more than anyone I know, but so naive. I don't care how old she is, they think they know it all...we all say that, but when you don't know your sons been to Detroit, and other things..im sorry, but you haven't seen 6 people die in front of you. It just kills me to be me. Everyone has there problems, and they suck, im grateful for alot, but my mental state of mind is getting realllllly fucked up.

And then I fixed it, fear is power. It doesn't always work, but when you give in to your negative emotion, it can be dangerous, and it only last for so long, but other than love, fear has given me the power to last longer, and to strike fear into others, regardless of how well they know me, and they predict they cant take it seriously, well surprise. I know it sounds either dramatic or confusing, but give it a try in your worst times, its like a drive to change your emotions.




Other than that, the pictures above are the 3 most important dead people I know. Time to really let go. Its sad, I think i'm down to 6 people I'm afraid to lose. Wait, no, thats 5. Peace out Kory